Back to school

I had this strange feeling that i will have nothing to write. As my kids are getting "older" more "mature", I passed from embarrassing mother to annoying mother. Why not?

The truth  is, I m annoyed. After 3 days of school, I feel probably more annoyed then kids.

I feel annoyed that even in the country like Ireland the girls are prohibited to wear short skirts and shorts. Not that I m encouraging it, but as much as I can understand it in India (and still not agree), I don t see the point in Dublin, where people on the street is walking in skirts looking more like a belt to me...I m probably having annoying view, but I feel difficulties to explain to my teens to love their body, respect their body, when the messages they get that there is something very inappropriate with their body...because in the french system we are agains wearing burka in the name of laicity and freedom, but the short is prohibited in the name of respect...of what?  I don t get it.

Daniel, 8 grader, while asking if he is bilingual, answered: "NO, trilingual". For once (can I believe it?), he was answering correctly and politely. The class get hilarious about his answer and he get congratulations how he pulled leg of the teacher...apparently the teacher did not react at all. The fact is that Daniel IS trilingual (hey, Daniel, I m proud of you btw...). Ooops, we can forget very quickly that there are kids much more then trilingual and that in India many people speaks several languages.

This make me more smile, but what annoy me seriously, is the POINT of GOOD BEHAVIOR system in Elie's class ( 5th grade).

" In the class, we have a system to encourage us to respect the rules of 5th grade. If we don t respect the rules, we can have 5,3, or 1 penalty points. At the end of the week, we will be placed in the group of autonomy in function of the number of penalties. More penalties, less rights.". 
(todays note)


Not to be aligned after recess quickly...one point of penalty.
Not to work quickly in the class, one point of penalty.
Not to move calmly, silently and with utility in the class...one point.
Not to obeyed the adults in the school...5 points.
To be insolent after the remarque of adult...5 points.

In total 26 "anti-rules", where you can get the penalty points. But who says what is insolent, what is quickly, and what is utility? Is not the personal perception that we may have each different?

As much as I want my child to be polite, to respect others, not only adults, but all, including children, I want them to learn and be calm,  also want them free, spontaneous, smiling and happy. I want the school the space where kids have a right to ask, not to agree , express their needs and go with the pleasure and joy instead of fear of punishment.

Now, what to do? Go to see the teacher and ask him from where this is coming? Propose the "positive" reinforcement instead of punishment? Explain to the teacher that he can t really cut the rights of the children ( To be respected and safe, To work, To make mistakes, To eat in peace),  because then he is cutting their fundamental rights? Make my "yoga" talk about positive thinking, about positive affirmation, and positive attitude in the life? About Freedom? Love? Hmmmm....
I don t think it would be appreciated...

So I can shut up and feel bad every morning  because I m sending my son in the school with feeling of fear of punishment (hey, and what if he wants to be in the group with his friend so he will do some punishable stuff to make sure to get points?? And how about the feeling being ALWAYS in the worst group? What it is as feedback? I m BAD all year long?).
Let s face it, it is not about me, it is about Elie and his capacity to face new system and new school, new rules.
But it does not feel well...so far.

Holidays in Spain

Embarrassing mother? No kidding...what did I do today? I just missed the plane of my 3 kids, their friend and my bro flying to Barcelona. How? Easily...just confusing the arrival time in Barcelona with departure time in Prague...
2 cars, full of kids and luggage, golf bags. And 10 mins from airport, my bro watch the flying ticket and said:
" You know that the plane is leaving in 20 minutes, right?"
" No, it is original departure, they changed it." was my answer.


Oh yes, they did. They really changed it. From 10.40am to 10.25 am...and it was 10am and we were not yet at the airoport!

I just screamed: everybody in the cars and we run. Nobody understand nothing at the gas station, 7 people at the same moment just start to run crazy. I started to drive...and forgot that in front of me was side walk. Ok, not the moment to destroy the car or have an accident!
In front of the aeroport it looked like action movie...we parked and I run completely  mad to the departure hall yelling that we have the plane in 10 minutes...of course, nobody was really interested. They told me calmly that there is too many people, the plane can t  wait just for us, so sorry, I have to rebook...

So I went in deep silence and go  to rebook...I was just mentaly praying they have tickets and maybe not too much to pay? Aha...
"Today there is not other plane...let me see...tomorow it is full...so maybe Monday morning...aha, 5 people, it can be problem. And I have to pay 250euro per persone..."


This was the moment my daughter told me: ok, we go for coffee. An she stayed with me.I had terrible unhappy thoughts:
1. I defintiely f@$# this one
2. what I will do now, brining to the sh** not only my kids, but also their friend and my bro, my husband waiting in Barcelona for them...
3. loosing time for their holiday
4. loosing money for stupidity, oh, if I think how many kids would have food or scholarship in India...pathetic, I know.
5. Then I saw we left from gas station with bottle of Red Bull...oh yes, it gives wings, but did not help to fly today. And we did not pay!
6. So I visualise the Evening Break news...Derhy gang stealing wings in the gas station...Kids of french banker robbing...Morality of yoga teacher mom...Uf.
This I call Self beating. Oh yes, I m good in it!

I was watching absently around, sent few sms to informe my dears about the situation with the trumbling hands...and start to evaluate the situation from the "calmer" perspective. Like...if it just happen to my best friend.
Boys went to Mac Do, thanks god for it! Girls went to re-load the luggages in the car, Noemie was buying me a coffee.  I called Tomas Trebizky, amazing travel agent since 8 years now...and he picked up the phone Saturday morning, arranged my new ticket for half price the same day afternoon, send them all on my email, and my great friend Radka printed them out and brought them to the airport exactly at the moment that it was my turn in the queue. My friend Jitka brought home one of two cars and I drove home slowly slowly, to make sure I will not cause any accident as I felt nervously exhausted. It was hard day, for sure, but I was protected by amazing angels-friends. Thank you!

Ah, and I forgot: on the way back I stopped by the gas station and payed for the Red Bull bottle.  Enough Karma for one day!

Room service

After India, the come back to reality of "normal" life is hard. I thought it will be difficult for kids. The sad true is that it is making crazy me.
While picking up the dirty clothes more less in any place where it just "fall" down, I m sending so much love to my wonderful househelpers, because they did xactely this every moprning during 4 years.
When I enter the bathroom, and see all the towels on the floor, I m wondering if the kids EVER red the note in the hotels that if we want to save the water, we keep our towel till next day  HANGED...they consider me as the housekeeping for sure, I just did not se any tip so far!
The last but not least is Room service. They are very fortunate, because in the house of my father it works perfectly, we all have the room service a la carte 24h per day!
Oh, two days back I saw also my mom to do the caddy on the golf course for my son...she loved the walk, but I just hope that it will not become the new habits...

Where we are helping and spoiling our kids by love and where it is just not preparing them for the real life? Ok, let s figure it out in next few months!

Emotional swings of embarrassing mother

All week, we are just going from one celebration or school ceremony to other. Impressive moments...
I have to admit, that by moments I don t know if I feel happy or down. Yesterday it was this "high" feeling as Noemie was awarded, but as soon as we get out of MPH I heard: "Can you pull your t shirt down? "
I did not even know what she means...but then I realize that I m still in my yoga outfit as I just had time to run from my class, bring friend to say good bye to my bro and run back to school...
In the car, my daughter was more specifique: "It is really embarrassing to see you in the middle of moms that are dressed up..." (THEM!).
ok, next.
Coming to the school today, after amazing cofee with my friends and yoga students full of love, after "revolutionary" speech I did in my husband's office, and of course completely exhausted, my daugter just asked me: and where are my SHOES? I brought the dress...but shoes??? Where are they, actually? And why they were not prepared the day before?

Then Elie came...and we just figured out that I have to pay 2600rps for his lost books...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, was I not saying one month ago "Let s keep all your books ready to give back to library?". But honestly, what Elie did with Physics for High school????????
Nightmare at the school was not finish yet. We also realized that Elie lost his smart cart, probably the 10th of this year...


At this point of day, Daniel had little chance to be welcome with his NOT filled paper for the bussines ofice for Clearance. At my desperate comment that noboy will do it for him and it is his only abligation (why I m so pathetique???) Daniel answered in some un-polite way...and my hand just somehow landed on his top of head in angry way! Ok, we all have the weak moments, by why after all the yogi breathings and nice theories I get still so out of center???

No comment when I learnt the incredible amount to pay for his lost books...

And no comments on the horrible hour I spent in car to feel it all, angry, guilty, furiouse, sad...observing myself on emotional swing, and still cannot believe it.
The up and down of the day finished on the up, after Graduation ceremony of 8th graders...soooooooooooooo beautiful. At this very moment we know, that it is not about us, about lost books, or smart cards...it is about amazing new generation of international kids. And I hope for them they will all become great peacemakers! (Oh yes, today I m fully in the pathos...)

Potato bag

Yesterday i had some urgent sms from my daughter to go for shopping. We did. But why she wanted suddenly to buy the "conservative" clothes...
After some time and with a lot of insistence i get her answer:  "some" people find that she is too provocative (eh hum? my daughter?). So she needs to dress more conservative!
Ah, now I get it. We were actually looking for burka. Of course, in Zara boutique, so it is the modern style burka, some deform clothes hiding all the body, skin and curves. If burka could hurt somebody feelings, let s call it potato bag...
At the first moment I felt like all education about personal freedom, loving our body, be who we are and other blabla were definitely only blabla for my daughter. But then, after one deep breath and short reflexion, I just said:

" Ok, lets go for burka. If it is your choice, it is also your freedom to try to wear what somebody else find better for you. If you feel well, great. If you don t feel well, at least you know!"


When we start with our conditioning? When we start to change the reality from what it is to what we think it should be? When we start to be deaf to our own voice and we listen only to others opinions and truth? When our own insecurities or jalousie start to terrorize others, sometimes in the name of "love" or doing them "good"?
8th grade, for sure, it is done...

The good news, we cannot be prisoner if our heart is free!!!

Star for you

Miracles happen every day.  My daughter offered me star from the sky.
 This is how the role get reversed. I still remember when i was trying to sing her "Twinkle twinkle little star..." Probably my first song in English ever.

Yesterday night she came to my little cave (office) and offered me little red star...origami. I opened it without expectation. It was written inside:
 " Je t aime, maman. <3 Noemie "

It was the most beautiful moment of the year. Thank you for offering me your little stars, Noemie my baby!

Moving...to the past

So today I started my boxes. Everything old and un-usfull to the garbage, the good, the nice, the practical to the box.
Sounds good, but it is not so easy to get rid of memories. I started in my daughter's room...and suddenly we were in the notebooks from her first grade, in the poesy from the forth grade, in the class pictures from kindergarten...de we really NEED it? Is is really USUFUL?  It does not look like this, but it looks like important emotional attachment. I was observing her to get in ecstasy reading her assignments and grades and of course, she wanted to keep it all.

From my "yogi" perspective, I was just about to tell her...but when you will read again all this? For what it is important to get all those memories? Why we are moving around the world so many "boxes of our live"?

Then I found it...one picture in the paper frame from Barcelona's aquarium, where we are going religiously every year since the children are born...tree of them, nicely dressed, with combed hair, we are all smiling in the shark head...and I got it.

We keep those beautiful memories to remember how it WAS...to be grateful and appreciate how it IS.  The way to the future can lead trough the past... 

Diary of Fat Ass

That's it. I get on my balance because finally we changed the batteries. It works now, after 2 months.
I was not disappointed; the numbers look really scary. Wasn't I supposed to LOOSE the weight recently???

I watched myself in the mirror. In the face, for sure, I did not loose, neither put on. My chest is same flat as always, Pamela Anderson is not really watching me back. Waist look more less ok. Hm. Now, here we go. Look at this...little hip problem. Yes, I m feeling this acute pain in my left hip, but is that about weight? Let s turn little bit...AHA moment. I think those kg on the top are actually on the bottom...precisely on my buttock.

After years of struggling with ideal weight and ideal image, accompanied by poor self love and even kind of body-hate, I just had this little moment of LIGHT:

WE are how we FEEL . And I just feel well, happy, balanced, and full of life. And the muffin top, in whichever the part of the body is? Welcome. Because the truth is, I don t feel FAT. I feel SEXY. Time to change, time to be women! Get the nuance, girls?;)

Vocabulary

Today lesson no.2:
new words. I m not sure if it is thanks to sexual education at school or just "coincidence", but today I learnt 2 new words. True jewels to add to my english vocabulary:

(1.)Hickey: I heard it while having casual conversation with one mom. I asked my daughter (14). She explaned quite well, then she add: Google it. It seems to be sentence of the L air de temps...
So I did:


How Do You Give a Hickey?
What you do is put your mouth against the side of their neck, in a kissing shape. You leave your mouth slightly open in the middle, like you're saying the letter "O". Now you suck in! You suck the skin into your mouth, in essence hurting it, and causing the blood vessels to break. This turns that circular area bright red. It doesn't take long, maybe 30 seconds.

If you really aren't good at suction, you can nibble with your teeth. But that is really a last resort, because now you're not giving them a hickey. Now you're just gnawing their skin to make it red.

Yes, giving a hickey hurts the person you're doing it to. You're breaking their blood vessels! But to some, a hickey is a temporary mark of love. Sort of like a red tattoo that fades naturally after a few days. It says "This girl (or guy) trusted me enough to let me damage their throat, one of the most sensitive parts of the human body". 
source: http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/hickey.asp


Ok. One more to go. While another casual conversation with my daughter I listen: No, it was not sex, it was "fingering."(2)

Hm. I did not ask. I went directly to Google, more less to make sure that my imagination is not sick:

Fingering is the manual manipulation of the clitoris, vulva, vagina, or anus for the purpose of sexual arousal and stimulation. It may constitute the entire sexual encounter or it may be part of mutual masturbation, foreplay or other sexual activities. To "finger oneself" is to masturbate in this manner. It is analogous to a handjob, the manual stimulation of the penis. These activities provide sexual pleasure, whether or not used as non-penetrative or penetrative intercourse.

Vaginal fingering is legally and medically called "digital penetration of the vagina", and may involve one or more fingers.

source:   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fingering_(sexual_act)




I like idea of "digital penetration". Somehow it remind me "digital citizenship", the great project of school being leader in computer and informatics skills. But the kids start with computer in kindergarten, maybe way to soon...but now, fingering in middle school, I would like to say WAY TOO SOON TOO...but I will not. Because this is what happen. The world is spinning faster, information is circulating faster, and if the kids are digital citizens since age of 3, then I should accept that they do many other digital activities later on...


Looking for my next english lessons! Uf.

Don't smoke... F*** safe

So today my 12 years old came from school. He was in the principal's office. His t-shirt was judged inappropriate.

I m wondering why. Because of the gun? Or cigarette? Or both? The message is clear: Smoking kills. Knowing how many adolescents already smoke, it seems to me good reminder.


Now, the same day, means today, my daughter (14) had her "usual" t -shirt that she is wearing over and over again since august, maybe longer.

For some strange reason, my daughter was never in the principal office for inappropriate dress code. Maybe I m from old school. Maybe I don t understand the new trendy education. Or I am just embarrassing mother. What I understand from today lesson, is:

Don't smoke IS NOT OK.

Rock hard and F*** safe IS OK.

Did I get it wrong?

Day of Unconditional Love

Some days are just different of others. We keep them in our conscious and later on in our unconscious Mind. And sometimes still better, we keep them in our Heart. Shift happens.

I had such a day yesterday.
While driving with my youngest son and hubby to school, some nervousness raised up  and unpleasant exchanges started in the car. The observer was telling me: Stop it, stop it, but somehow I just could not. Poison get out of my system and I was in judgmental non-accepting mood. While waiting for my students to get together, I get to the basic:" Love is not an emotion, it is a decision. " Also, I remembered that we are all different ...and I did the decision that I LOVE whatever happen.

As usual, I started my class with my "blabla", oh yes, Annet will love this one. So I opened randomly the book of Buddhist wisdom and...the quotation was:

REAL LOVE
Real love is not based on attachment.

LOVE DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE
The kind of love we advocate is the love you can have even for someone who has done harm to you. This kind of love is to be extended to all living beings , and it can be extended to all living beings.

Ah, from 160 pages i opened the book on those...and I get the message. We spent the class in opening of our hearts to the love, unconditional love.
What is so specific about UNCONDITIONAL love? You can believe or not, but when I checked my email in the car after  yoga class, the message that popped out was :

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE by DIVYAA KUMAR
Paradoxically what we view as the penultimate love, Unconditional Love, does not refer to emotion as much as to a state of neutrality; its not about feelings but non judgment-it is best viewed thru the universal principle of free will- Creators Unconditional loving allowance for all within Creation! Thus unconditional love is not an unrealistic ideal about needing to feel the emotion we call ‘love’ towards everyone- t is simply a state of complete allowance -a complete all-embracing acceptance of everyone/everything - of all their qualities, desires, fears, life events – of their blueprints whatever they may be!


I could not describe it better. For me, Unconditional Love is the Universal love, above of the personal feeling, it is most about acceptance of what IS, how it IS, without judgment. for alls and all.
Why spend so much energy on judging others? What is that trigger us in the behavior of others so much that we freely agree to give the time (limited) of our life to create the negative energy and judge them? Is it not the projection of our own fears and feelings of being inadequate that push us to step on others?


JUDGMENT is first obstacle to Unconditional love, and it is coming from the lack of self-love. If we don t love ourselves, we will judge and put down others to feel better about us. Do you have always criticizing friend? So next time you listen to her while criticizing, pay attention if she is not just describing her own fears how she COULD be!


The second obstacle is TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY. Did you ever ask yourself: why this happen to me? Why always me? How he can do this to me? Oh yes, then you are taking things personally. But is it sure that He (she)  did THIS to you? And what is exactly THIS? Do you know for sure that he meant to hurt you? 
Simple example of perception: my husband is making me the TO-DO-LISTs. I take it personally as expression of his lack of trust to my abilities to handle the things on my own.  My self esteem is in free fall every time I open his email with the new "adjustment". My ego scream: I m not your secretary! Grrrr!
His perception: I will make it easy to my wife. I should her how I care. I show her how I love her and our children and how secure I m able to make us. 


In my perception, it is all about me ( "I"). In his perception it is all about him ("I")...so which "I" is really on stake??? ;)


So let s go back to the basics. I just have remember that it is not all about me, and be aware when I am in my own insecurity and my own fear. Then I can t really love unconditionally. But the shift is amazing. If I am aware enough to recognize the ego-mind play, I can immediately drop the fear, and stay in the "neutrality" as mention Divyaa's article. And from the state of neutrality, which is nothing else then Balance, I can reach easily Love. Unconditional or just Love, it does not really matter. The Balance, Peace and Harmony do!


Yesterday so , my all day just continued in the overwhelming sensation of Love. Because if we pay attention, we will find out that the only obstacle to it is ourselves.  I was observing, with loving attention, how one piece after other of my protective wall is falling down trough the all day. I watched not the huge demonstrations of love in Bollywood/Hollywood style, but the sweetness of simple things. Take a meal together, do the shopping, talk, be silent, watch the movie...listen with loving attention. Be silent.
I realized on my very own the Rumi's quote that was dancing all afternoon in my head:


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

It feels good, it feels free, it feels sweet. It feels big, bigger and huge. And I feel lucky to be able to explore it. Step by step.

Privacy

So I did this amazing experience with one  friend. She is fervor defender of privacy on line, so no posting pictures of kids from school. No matter that I have entire albums of my kids playing school basketball, from Family fun day, or from Saisa swimming. At the moment I put the picture from school yoga, there is problem. The sad is, that she did not tell it to me. We could talk about. We could have some nice exchange. And I could even do some nice reflexion on Should we share or keep it private?

Somehow it seems to be difficult for some people to act frankly and straight. They claim privacy but actually it is more about secrecy and behind the back. It does not prevent to accurate claim of privacy on the net, but it would have much more impact if done clearly and with conviction. Get publicly FOR privacy.

Now, how it comes that same person claiming privacy on net does not respect privacy in real life? One week ago I realized how she made my private life public...without me knowing it. No problem, I m living public life and I m not hiding crispy details from my last 40 years. I may not to say all, but  I m not lying about my life neither, as I consider that liar need too good memory!

 However it feel weird this contradiction: real life can be gossipily public, but let s protect privacy on the net!

It show me just clear lesson: Live what you preach. Respect in others what you want for yourself. Stand up for your convictions.

And you, where are you ? Standing or hiding?

Stress management

So since few weeks I m working on workshop about stress management. Last saturday I decided and announced home that I need calm afternoon to start to write. Somehow my quiet writing time turned out to be true stressed management practice. Daniel came from soccer training with 2 friends, one supposedly staying for sleep over. Noemie invited after her theatre practice 3 friends to make cookies in the afternoon, one staying for sleep over. As I was also expecting friends arriving in the night from Europe, family of 4, and my father is visiting, the house seemed little overcrowded. But at the end we made it: 15 people during the day, 12 for sleep over. YES!

As I was writing all symptoms of stress, I was observing my reaction second day in Waterstone club, when I was trying to handle 2 different cars, 3 languages, and many different desires of ones and the others. The cherry on the cake was Daniel, my 12y old, leaving for the pain- ball with a new driver, his phone switched off, driver answering me he is NOT with my son, and I spent one hour of chasing the trace of my son somewhere in the 20 billions crowded city...Olwyn, not only you amazed me that you are reading this blog, but you also handled all this situation and thanks for Daniel!

So yes, I was at home, Sunday evening,  hysterical, screaming on people, barging on my loved ones, and writing about stress management. Over and over again I reminded myself that I can relax, and I can let the body to have a rest, and I have to step back from the situation and just observe it. And over and over again my hands were cold, my head was screaming, I felt dry mouth, palpitation, restlessness and NO breathing. Breath, girl, breath.

After another stressing Monday (meetings at school), and somehow exhausting night with my daughter sick just the night of her birthday,today I finished my stress management papers , I sent them to the printer, and I opened my email. I had 3 emails from my son insulting me because I dared to take away his computer time and electronics games and asked him to make up his math homework. I found also one more email from math teacher, not the pleasant one. When arrived at school, my vision get impaired, my head was spinning, and the inner feeling was: Did I drunk the bottle of vodka without knowing???

I wanted to handle the situation, I wanted to pretend I m fine, I wanted to make beautiful birthday to my daughter with the 14 white roses I brought for her, and wanted to do gentle stress management workshop with my friends in the evening. And I observed myself, with dizziness, and I felt that it is probably the moment to let go of my projects of perfect day for my great daughter and still greatest family and just surrender to the evidence that I pushed to far, too long, too blind. And I went to the nursery, take a nap, and woke up with my 3 kids watching on me, with my dad, with roses and helping me down of the bed. One took flowers, one took my bad, and one took me, and we went out of the school, in the nice sunny day of Mumbai.
Looks like happy end. But it is not. Elie just continued with demands...of my time, of my phone, of my attention. Others screamed on him to stop it. He screamed on them to let him alone (easy in the car). And I watched it again. Kind of heat coming from the solar plexus to the brain. Sweating. The breath is not shallow, the breath is inexistent. The belly start to feel with little cramp. Stomach is floating like before vomit. Eyes are not able to focus. Chest is becoming heavy and there is kind of pain in the middle while you try to catch the breath. Your ears can not support any noise anymore. You can not support anybody anymore and any new demand anyway...

The first sentence and definition of stress on my papers is:


ANY SITUATION WHICH PUTS EXTRA DEMANDS ON US IS CALLED STRESS.

I feel like the last 3 days, I had my great deal of practice of my teaching. And after all this I confirm: move your body, sleep, watch your diet, whatever books and adds and magazines say. But if there is one thing to do absolutely, it is

BREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH.

And if you feel any sympathy with my writing above, please start to breath RIGHT NOW:):):)


PS: The stress management workshop of tonight...cancelled. I decided to stay home and breath...

On mat, off mat

Ah, I can not even wrote it, so don't ask me to pronounce it: eka-pada-raja-kapotasana...uffff. As hard as it looks, as hard it is to do! When I saw it first time on the internet, I could not believe that somebody "normal" (define normal...) can really do it.
Then i saw some you tube video of Christina Sell, Anusara teacher, and it looked much more accessible. So I started to "train". In the word TRAIN I don t feel exactly yoga, but let s say I was practicing and preparing my body for more flexibility in my back, my shoulders, and my hips. Not piece of cake at all!

I spent december trying, and trying, and again and again...frustrated, in pain, and so eager of result, that of course i hurt myself just before Christmas. My right shoulder is painful still now.
So in january, I just stopped it. My shoulder was too painful, and my ego finally bended and let it go. What the heck am I doing on the mat? Hurting myself, counting hours I m practicing, in believe that if I practice enough, I can do it...yes, but why? Just for satisfaction of my ego and nothing else. There is not deep connection with my mind, and my breath, asana is not steady and joyful, so why and what?

At least the clarity came and i was able to forget Eka-pada...you see, actually it is easy to forget:)

But somehow the hours at the wall get their blueprint in my body, and yesterday after the class i was teaching I stayed. I wanted just to bend little bit and relax, but I was walking spontaneously towards the wall, get to the pigeon, blocked my knee against the wall and start slowly bring my hand toward the foot...then UP...and then bringing my head toward foot AND hand...magic. It last one nanosecond.
It was just subtle and futile like the by-the-way kiss between the door. But IT happened! Effortlessly!The feeling was there. The discovery, the tangible, the AHA moment was there.
With it of course also the desire to try again, to feel it again...

This happened on the mat, so i reflected about this magic moment, because the sensation was so familiar. And I feel that in our discovery of ourselves we live the same effort and magic. First we know the concept, like of Ego, Higher Self, Letting go and so on...easy to say, hard to do. But we keep trying. Sometimes we even get hurt. And we try over and over again. And one day, when we Let go, when we detach from it, it happen. The AHA moment. The realization. Inscription of it in our skin, in our cells. And then...we try again, we practice again, effortlessly but with consistency. And it become part of us.
And we bring our experience from mat off, in the world, in the life.

Like me and Eka-pa...oh no, I wrote : EFFORTLESSLY! I m not yet there! So ... let s practice:)

Love - For Jackee

4 Mantras for True Love of Thich Nhat Hanh:

1. “Darling, I am here for you”. If you really love someone, you have to be fully present for him or her.
2. “ I know you are there and I m very happy”. To be truly present and know that the other is also there is a miracle.
3. “ Darling, I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.”  If you are mindful, you will notice when your bellowed is suffering.
4. “ Darling, I am suffering. Please help”. This mantra we practice when we suffer. Only six words, but sometimes they are difficult to say because of the pride in our hearts, especially if it was the person we love whom we believe caused us to suffer.

I was working tonight on the 4th chakra for our detox week, and while I was copying the lines form Thich Nhat Hahn, I was feeling deep emotions running in my body. The blood became warmer, the heart was expanding, the breath deepened. 

The reflexion is about love, and specifically about unconditional love. How many times we are mistaking the love just with our fear of being alone and grabbing on somebody else? How often we think we love, but we  expect the same feeling back. How many times we fall in love and we hope that the person will change for us. How many discussions finish in tears and " If you..."

So I was writing about unconditional love, and the word itself is already WITHOUT conditions, still we put so many since the first date. When I was 14, I remembered one quotation, I don t know who said it:" If we really love somebody, he has all right on us, even not to love us back. "

And for me, unconditional love is this. Be here, be present, be mindful, and cherish this magic feeling in our heart whatever happen, without expectation, because at the end, the most important is not to have the love back from somebody else, but feel this warm light inside of us...and this sensation, this light, is ours. Nobody can take it away from us.

So next time you feel in love or unhappy because of non-reciprocity, think about the magic gift the life just offered to you and observe if you love to be loved back or if you LOVE!

Integrity

We are all at the moment of closing one year and opening the new, making our resolutions and reflecting on what we learnt from the past. 
Somehow the 2010 was the bit year in my life: I passed from the mat in the corner of the class to the mat in front...as a teacher. This space change brought a lot of new experiences and learning for me. 
One of the most important is about the teacher integrity. Of course it is not obvious to start teach...and I am deeply grateful to all my "students" to give me their trust and their courage to come to the class! I m thankful to Prasad for letting me teach his students during the Canada trip and come' on, you need to have solid plexus to take the class after him! :)

I realized how difficult it can be to go and teach, to share, when I was tired and down. How demanding it is to concentrate few hours s in the row to give my best on mat, out mat. I lived the moment of panic (oh yes): how I will do this? 
And of course, I had also a lot of "You have to..." , "You should not...". Free advices. Comparison. Criticism. I was happy for it as it is always interesting to see some new perspective . It gave me opportunity to answer to myself few questions.

For the while, I believe that the teacher is accountable to his higher Self. He cannot teach to please others. He has to take in consideration specificity of each of his students, and the relationship with the student, if students feels the need and attraction to the path, is going much farer then just 60-90 minutes on the mat. 
As a teacher, I feel true Love and concern for all my students. Some of them will share also in their private life, some of them just come and leave. But I m not here neither to please them, neither to avoid the deeper contact. 

The teacher should give his best, according to the moment in his life, in his day...and let everybody work on themselves, being here when they need. Many will take it, but many will also let it be. The moment for taking, giving and sharing is specific for each of us.

The teacher should protect his students and create a safe environment for the learning...but let them experience independently their own steps. There is not IDEAL situation, environment, moment. Always something happen, but this is the part of the process: learn to stay stable whatever happen. 

And last, but not least, the teacher should stay loyal to his personal integrity. I will not teach like this or like that because somebody is not happy with my teaching or my being. I truly believe that we, as teachers, we have commitment toward ourselves and we are teaching not what we KNOW, but who we ARE. Yes, we have to be flexible, this is what we teach, but we have to keep our Spine straight and whole. Because it is only when we teach who we are, we are in our Heart, in our Truth. And our students feel it..its name is Love :)

Expect unexpected

It was unexpected yoga class. My two friends and students show up with their parents and parents in law respectively. The plan to do the detox class after the  New Year's Eve season was disappearing and I was observing the jewelry on ladies and belts on gentlemen...seriously?
My brain started to run. What do  I know about the yoga for seniors ? What is the Emergency  phone?

I started the class, with obvious questions about health conditions, injuries, surgeries...and little explanation what it is yoga, about connection of body and mind...and I was anxiously waiting for some inspiration what to DO!

And with my deep exhale I get it: nothing to DO, just to BE. And to be in the present, we concentrate on the breath.
So we started with some deep breathing, and after that  the class just flowed in peace. They were impressive. With the total commitment, with effort, for sure, but also the dedication and amazing will power, all  seniors flowed from one asana to another...in very first time in their life in the age 70-75 years old!

It was incredible class, inspiring the humbleness and admiration. Thank you for such a life lesson...

PS: Today one of the ladies told me: When I go back to Holland, I will start the yoga! Here we go!

New Year's resolution

" Darlings, come here, I need your help",  was my first sentence  this morning.
 I explained to my teens (Daniel, 12 1/2, Noemie nearly 14, Elie 9 was too busy with Dofus) that in my New Year resolution is  WRITE BLOG, and now I need the name for the blog.
Daniel started his inquire about what I will write. About yoga? Or about our life in India? Or? I explained that it will be about yoga, but not only. It will be more about what we are living, all of us together, and the yoga is definitely part of the adventure!

Fallowed propositions:

Daniel:
-Free hug yoga
-Peace, love and family
-5 and 1/2 dog (for Kimi)

Me, inspired:
-High Five (as we are five members of our family plus dog)

I was already to fill it in the form, when Noemie, sitting on my desk, just said:
EMBARRASSING MOTHER

It hit me. This label glue on me since two years now.
Ok, let s doing it! Here we go, my New Year resolution blog, Embarrassing mother...and proud of being it!

Noemie had quit amazed smile, then asked me innocently if I m planning to write in English.
" Oh yes, I will try" was my answer.
"Good luck with it" she exhaled in genuine desperation and left my desk.
Behing my back I just heart her telling my husband:
"Watch yourself. She has a blog now..."

Happy year 2011 to all of you, smile, love, new perspective and dreams without limits!