Thursday, January 20, 2011

On mat, off mat

Ah, I can not even wrote it, so don't ask me to pronounce it: eka-pada-raja-kapotasana...uffff. As hard as it looks, as hard it is to do! When I saw it first time on the internet, I could not believe that somebody "normal" (define normal...) can really do it.
Then i saw some you tube video of Christina Sell, Anusara teacher, and it looked much more accessible. So I started to "train". In the word TRAIN I don t feel exactly yoga, but let s say I was practicing and preparing my body for more flexibility in my back, my shoulders, and my hips. Not piece of cake at all!

I spent december trying, and trying, and again and again...frustrated, in pain, and so eager of result, that of course i hurt myself just before Christmas. My right shoulder is painful still now.
So in january, I just stopped it. My shoulder was too painful, and my ego finally bended and let it go. What the heck am I doing on the mat? Hurting myself, counting hours I m practicing, in believe that if I practice enough, I can do it...yes, but why? Just for satisfaction of my ego and nothing else. There is not deep connection with my mind, and my breath, asana is not steady and joyful, so why and what?

At least the clarity came and i was able to forget Eka-pada...you see, actually it is easy to forget:)

But somehow the hours at the wall get their blueprint in my body, and yesterday after the class i was teaching I stayed. I wanted just to bend little bit and relax, but I was walking spontaneously towards the wall, get to the pigeon, blocked my knee against the wall and start slowly bring my hand toward the foot...then UP...and then bringing my head toward foot AND hand...magic. It last one nanosecond.
It was just subtle and futile like the by-the-way kiss between the door. But IT happened! Effortlessly!The feeling was there. The discovery, the tangible, the AHA moment was there.
With it of course also the desire to try again, to feel it again...

This happened on the mat, so i reflected about this magic moment, because the sensation was so familiar. And I feel that in our discovery of ourselves we live the same effort and magic. First we know the concept, like of Ego, Higher Self, Letting go and so on...easy to say, hard to do. But we keep trying. Sometimes we even get hurt. And we try over and over again. And one day, when we Let go, when we detach from it, it happen. The AHA moment. The realization. Inscription of it in our skin, in our cells. And then...we try again, we practice again, effortlessly but with consistency. And it become part of us.
And we bring our experience from mat off, in the world, in the life.

Like me and Eka-pa...oh no, I wrote : EFFORTLESSLY! I m not yet there! So ... let s practice:)

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