Stress management

So since few weeks I m working on workshop about stress management. Last saturday I decided and announced home that I need calm afternoon to start to write. Somehow my quiet writing time turned out to be true stressed management practice. Daniel came from soccer training with 2 friends, one supposedly staying for sleep over. Noemie invited after her theatre practice 3 friends to make cookies in the afternoon, one staying for sleep over. As I was also expecting friends arriving in the night from Europe, family of 4, and my father is visiting, the house seemed little overcrowded. But at the end we made it: 15 people during the day, 12 for sleep over. YES!

As I was writing all symptoms of stress, I was observing my reaction second day in Waterstone club, when I was trying to handle 2 different cars, 3 languages, and many different desires of ones and the others. The cherry on the cake was Daniel, my 12y old, leaving for the pain- ball with a new driver, his phone switched off, driver answering me he is NOT with my son, and I spent one hour of chasing the trace of my son somewhere in the 20 billions crowded city...Olwyn, not only you amazed me that you are reading this blog, but you also handled all this situation and thanks for Daniel!

So yes, I was at home, Sunday evening,  hysterical, screaming on people, barging on my loved ones, and writing about stress management. Over and over again I reminded myself that I can relax, and I can let the body to have a rest, and I have to step back from the situation and just observe it. And over and over again my hands were cold, my head was screaming, I felt dry mouth, palpitation, restlessness and NO breathing. Breath, girl, breath.

After another stressing Monday (meetings at school), and somehow exhausting night with my daughter sick just the night of her birthday,today I finished my stress management papers , I sent them to the printer, and I opened my email. I had 3 emails from my son insulting me because I dared to take away his computer time and electronics games and asked him to make up his math homework. I found also one more email from math teacher, not the pleasant one. When arrived at school, my vision get impaired, my head was spinning, and the inner feeling was: Did I drunk the bottle of vodka without knowing???

I wanted to handle the situation, I wanted to pretend I m fine, I wanted to make beautiful birthday to my daughter with the 14 white roses I brought for her, and wanted to do gentle stress management workshop with my friends in the evening. And I observed myself, with dizziness, and I felt that it is probably the moment to let go of my projects of perfect day for my great daughter and still greatest family and just surrender to the evidence that I pushed to far, too long, too blind. And I went to the nursery, take a nap, and woke up with my 3 kids watching on me, with my dad, with roses and helping me down of the bed. One took flowers, one took my bad, and one took me, and we went out of the school, in the nice sunny day of Mumbai.
Looks like happy end. But it is not. Elie just continued with demands...of my time, of my phone, of my attention. Others screamed on him to stop it. He screamed on them to let him alone (easy in the car). And I watched it again. Kind of heat coming from the solar plexus to the brain. Sweating. The breath is not shallow, the breath is inexistent. The belly start to feel with little cramp. Stomach is floating like before vomit. Eyes are not able to focus. Chest is becoming heavy and there is kind of pain in the middle while you try to catch the breath. Your ears can not support any noise anymore. You can not support anybody anymore and any new demand anyway...

The first sentence and definition of stress on my papers is:


ANY SITUATION WHICH PUTS EXTRA DEMANDS ON US IS CALLED STRESS.

I feel like the last 3 days, I had my great deal of practice of my teaching. And after all this I confirm: move your body, sleep, watch your diet, whatever books and adds and magazines say. But if there is one thing to do absolutely, it is

BREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH.

And if you feel any sympathy with my writing above, please start to breath RIGHT NOW:):):)


PS: The stress management workshop of tonight...cancelled. I decided to stay home and breath...

On mat, off mat

Ah, I can not even wrote it, so don't ask me to pronounce it: eka-pada-raja-kapotasana...uffff. As hard as it looks, as hard it is to do! When I saw it first time on the internet, I could not believe that somebody "normal" (define normal...) can really do it.
Then i saw some you tube video of Christina Sell, Anusara teacher, and it looked much more accessible. So I started to "train". In the word TRAIN I don t feel exactly yoga, but let s say I was practicing and preparing my body for more flexibility in my back, my shoulders, and my hips. Not piece of cake at all!

I spent december trying, and trying, and again and again...frustrated, in pain, and so eager of result, that of course i hurt myself just before Christmas. My right shoulder is painful still now.
So in january, I just stopped it. My shoulder was too painful, and my ego finally bended and let it go. What the heck am I doing on the mat? Hurting myself, counting hours I m practicing, in believe that if I practice enough, I can do it...yes, but why? Just for satisfaction of my ego and nothing else. There is not deep connection with my mind, and my breath, asana is not steady and joyful, so why and what?

At least the clarity came and i was able to forget Eka-pada...you see, actually it is easy to forget:)

But somehow the hours at the wall get their blueprint in my body, and yesterday after the class i was teaching I stayed. I wanted just to bend little bit and relax, but I was walking spontaneously towards the wall, get to the pigeon, blocked my knee against the wall and start slowly bring my hand toward the foot...then UP...and then bringing my head toward foot AND hand...magic. It last one nanosecond.
It was just subtle and futile like the by-the-way kiss between the door. But IT happened! Effortlessly!The feeling was there. The discovery, the tangible, the AHA moment was there.
With it of course also the desire to try again, to feel it again...

This happened on the mat, so i reflected about this magic moment, because the sensation was so familiar. And I feel that in our discovery of ourselves we live the same effort and magic. First we know the concept, like of Ego, Higher Self, Letting go and so on...easy to say, hard to do. But we keep trying. Sometimes we even get hurt. And we try over and over again. And one day, when we Let go, when we detach from it, it happen. The AHA moment. The realization. Inscription of it in our skin, in our cells. And then...we try again, we practice again, effortlessly but with consistency. And it become part of us.
And we bring our experience from mat off, in the world, in the life.

Like me and Eka-pa...oh no, I wrote : EFFORTLESSLY! I m not yet there! So ... let s practice:)

Integrity

We are all at the moment of closing one year and opening the new, making our resolutions and reflecting on what we learnt from the past. 
Somehow the 2010 was the bit year in my life: I passed from the mat in the corner of the class to the mat in front...as a teacher. This space change brought a lot of new experiences and learning for me. 
One of the most important is about the teacher integrity. Of course it is not obvious to start teach...and I am deeply grateful to all my "students" to give me their trust and their courage to come to the class! I m thankful to Prasad for letting me teach his students during the Canada trip and come' on, you need to have solid plexus to take the class after him! :)

I realized how difficult it can be to go and teach, to share, when I was tired and down. How demanding it is to concentrate few hours s in the row to give my best on mat, out mat. I lived the moment of panic (oh yes): how I will do this? 
And of course, I had also a lot of "You have to..." , "You should not...". Free advices. Comparison. Criticism. I was happy for it as it is always interesting to see some new perspective . It gave me opportunity to answer to myself few questions.

For the while, I believe that the teacher is accountable to his higher Self. He cannot teach to please others. He has to take in consideration specificity of each of his students, and the relationship with the student, if students feels the need and attraction to the path, is going much farer then just 60-90 minutes on the mat. 
As a teacher, I feel true Love and concern for all my students. Some of them will share also in their private life, some of them just come and leave. But I m not here neither to please them, neither to avoid the deeper contact. 

The teacher should give his best, according to the moment in his life, in his day...and let everybody work on themselves, being here when they need. Many will take it, but many will also let it be. The moment for taking, giving and sharing is specific for each of us.

The teacher should protect his students and create a safe environment for the learning...but let them experience independently their own steps. There is not IDEAL situation, environment, moment. Always something happen, but this is the part of the process: learn to stay stable whatever happen. 

And last, but not least, the teacher should stay loyal to his personal integrity. I will not teach like this or like that because somebody is not happy with my teaching or my being. I truly believe that we, as teachers, we have commitment toward ourselves and we are teaching not what we KNOW, but who we ARE. Yes, we have to be flexible, this is what we teach, but we have to keep our Spine straight and whole. Because it is only when we teach who we are, we are in our Heart, in our Truth. And our students feel it..its name is Love :)